Episode 101Brian : Now relax. I want you to always remember this. So no matter who you're ever with, I'll always be there... Brian : No, but I'll kick your tight little virgin ass so hard you won't sit down for a week! Justin : I just saw the face of God. His name is Brian Kinney Brian : So, are you coming or going ? Or coming, and then going ? Or coming and staying ? Brian : - I’m Superman. I’ll show you the world.
Michael : - Why am I always Lois Lane ? Brian : I’ll see you in your dreams. Michael : Ted’s got a really big heart. Only nobody here is interested in the size of that organ. Brian : - I just going to give him my number.
Michael : - What’d you do, write it on your dick ? Emmett : Not everybody can wear tangerine. Brian : - How old are you really ?
Justin : - Twenty... Nineteen... Eighteen...
Brian : - Well, what is this? a missile launch? Brian : - What is with kids today ?
Justin : - We just want to get laid like everybody else. Lindsay : Hell If our parents could fuck up, so can we. Brian : I couldn’t send him out without a nourishing high-protein breakfast.
Episode 102Brian : So, Dawson, how are things down at the Creek? Brian : I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient - you get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. Justin : His eyes were closed, his mouth was open, in a sort of smile, like he was in another place, a beautiful place, and that place was me.
Episode 103Michael : For a moment I wished that I, too, could be a lesbian. Then I remembered I'd have to eat pussy, so I said forget it.
Episode 104Justin : Yearning is when you want something really badly, like, so badly it hurts. Melanie : I said, Brian is not the person you want to be responsible for your life. He's a selfish, narcissistic little fucking faggot! And let me tell you something, it's not because you suck cock, it's because you're a little fucking coward! Emmett : You know, when I go, promise you won’t let them sew my mouth shut? Because when I get to heaven, and I meet Natalie Wood, I want to be able to say, 'Natalie! It's Emmett! What happened that night?' Debbie : - You don’t know yourself. “Know thyself!”, some Greek said that. Who was it?
Michael : - Zorba?
Episode 105Brian : The point of a date, so it's been explained to me by those who do that sort of thing, is that you actually get to know the other person before you fuck them... Jennifer : He told the therapist that he likes dick. Debbie : See, you already have something in common. I bet you were thinking you would never have anything to share again!
Justin : I like dick. I wanna get fucked by dick. I wanna suck dick. I like sucking dick. And I'm good at it, too. Brian : Melanie‘s just jealous, because she thinks you love me more than you love her, and she’s right.
Episode 106Brian : I tune out self-pity. It makes my dick soft. Lindsay : Justin has an amazing feel for the human form. Brian : Yes, I've noticed that myself.
Brian : Fuck groups ! Lindsay : I thought you did. Brian : Occasionally. But it’s by invitation only.
Michael : I think the artist has taken some liberties. Brian : It's a perfect likeness! Michael : Come on, it was never that big! Brian : Hey, you haven't seen it in a long time... Michael : I haven't seen "Gone with the Wind" in a long time either, but I know it's still three and half hour!
Brian : - Good. Give him some activities, so he'll stop stalking me.
Justin : - Don’t flatter yourself! Emmett : I once knew a guy who could tie a cherry stem into a knot with his tongue. I was afraid to let him blow me. Brian : - Is he a top or a bottom?
Ted : -You know, not everybody judges people by your criteria, okay? Emmett : - It’s like The Mirror has Two Faces. Because Barbra plays an unattractive professor who marries Jeff Bridges because neither one of them can handle sex. But of course Barbra gets horny, because, hello, Jeff's such a dreamboat, so she hops on a Stairmaster for like two minutes, eats a carrot stick, and then poof! She's gorgeous. Then she comes in dressed like the hooker in Nuts, and of course, Jeff's willing to fuck her, and, um... they dance in the street.
Ted : - And she still wasn’t nominated ! David : What about you? What do you do?
Brian : - Advertising.
David : - Well, you must know a thing or two about screwing people yourself.
Brian : - Yeah, I could do it in my sleep. Brian : - You know, Dave, what’s weird about your meeting Mikey, is that we usually meet guys together.
David : - And they usually end up with you.
Brian : - The lucky ones.
David : - Debatable. Roger : - I thought you said you didn't want sex to be everything?
Ted : - Yeah, but I'd like it to be something.
Episode 107Justin : If you want to hit me, go ahead. Only I'm not going to cry like some little faggot. And if you want to send me away, that's all right, too. Because I bet you more fucking goes on at boarding school than in the back room at Babylon. But whatever you do, it's not going to matter, because I'll still be your queer son.
Episode 108Brian : So, in other words, for Justin to live here with you, he has to deny who he is, what he thinks and how he feels... Well, that's not love. That's hate. Brian : It's not lying if they make you lie. If the only thruth they can accept is their own. Justin : I'm going to be eighteen soon. That means I can vote, and join the army, and get married. Emmett : Hopefully not in the same day.
Episode 110Brian : This is not the White House! George Washington never slept here. Justin : He's the only one who hasn't.
Brian : - 12 Armani suits, 4 Gucci belts, 6 pairs of Prada shoes, gone. I’m starting to suspect gay-on-gay crime.
Lindsay : - Well, I wouldn’t be surprised, you have more visitors than Disneyworld. Justin : - Don’t say it’s okay, and don’t say anything bad about Brian either.
Melanie : - That doesn’t leave much room for conversation.
Episode 111Debbie : - David really cared for you. You could see it in his eyes. Huh, Vic, couldn’t you ?
Vic : - I don’t know, I was to busy looking at his chest.
Episode 112Brian : - You sound surprised.
Ted : - Uh, no. Surprised would be if I won to the lottery, or if an asteroid hit the earth, or if Richard Simmons was straight. No, try dumbstruck.
Episode 113Michael : Not Santa, don't tell me you fucked Santa!! Brian : Even I wouldn't do that, I'm not into fat... His elf!
Episode 114Brian : Yeah, the French anti-ageing shit costs a hundred dollars a tube, and it doesn't work. I still don't look nineteen.
Melanie : Un-fucking-believable. Jesus, what are you? Mister Teflon? Shits just never stick to you!
Episode 115David : He[Hank]'s smart, he's funny, he can play tenor sax, he can do websites, he juggles... Michael : Great. When does he have time to do brain surgery?
Episode 116Debbie : They're ignorant, and they're scared. And there's nothing you can do, except educate 'em, or shoot them. Me, I joined P-FLAG because it was more practical than shooting them. Justin : It [coffee] still causes high blood pressure, heart attacks, poor sexual performance. Brian : I haven't had any complaints.
Brian : Aww, Melanie the martyr. Do you want me to set you on fire?
Episode 117St James Academy's principal : There's more important lessons to be taught here. Jennifer : Than tolerance ?
Brian : Alright, so I'm a shitty father. Are we surprised? I'm upholding a fine family tradition! Justin : I'm killing you with kindness. It's proved to be a highly effective technique for achieving one's goals Lindsay (on her wedding dress) : What do you think ? Brian : It's like a movie... A horror movie.
Brian : - Well, don't think that you've won. That it's over. Because the minute you do that, you're dead.
Justin : - Not as long as I've got you to protect me.
Episode 118Michael : I don't wanna be a saint. I wanna be a ruthless, heartless shit who fucks whoever he wants without conscience or remorse! Brian : Sorry, that position has already been filled.
Episode 119Michael : - What are you doing?
Brian [unzipping Michael's pants] : - Wait, I’m just fooling around. Isn't that what you always wanted, Michael?
Michael : - What, a drunken fuck so you don't have to think about your dad? I never wanted that. Justin : - Can you imagine having sex when you're 100?
Daphne : - I can't imagine doing it now. Michael : - Jesus, Brian, your dad just died! How can you think about getting your dick sucked?!
Brian : - This is my grief counselor. Emmett : - How do you know you can? [Justin having sex with Daphne].
Brian : - Because at his age he could rub up against a tree and get a hard-on. Lindsay : - It’s not as easy for most women to separate love and sex as it is for a man.
Melanie : - Yeah, that was always my big complaint with men.
Episode 120Brian : - I taught him everything he knows.
Justin : - Except how to dance. Justin : - After a while, he got really clingy. He wanted to know when he could see me again.
Brian : - So, what’d you tell him?
Justin : - I told him that he could see me in his dreams. Brian : - Who cares about a bunch of steroid gym bunnies dancing around in their jocks, anyway?
Debbie : - Well, considering you fucked last year’s contestants Michael : - David gets up at six o’clock every morning and runs five miles, while you’re still in bed.
Brian : - I feel that’s where I get my best cardio workout. David : - The problem with this contest is that it exposes the single, most tragic flaw of gay culture...
Brian : - It exposes a lot more than that, doc.
David : - And that is our almost pathological obsession with youth, beauty, and smooth, muscular bodies...
Brian : - I know, what a shame.
David : And until we break free of our stunted adolescence and our superficial values, we'll always be boys, never men.
Brian
Michael : - I happen to find what David is saying to be profoundly insightful.
Brian : - I find it to be profoundly full of shit. An opinion put forth as truth by a bunch of hypocritical, jealous, guilt-ridden, self-loathing, middle-aged, sexually frustrated, pseudo-intellectual fags who wish they were straight. Brian : - When you were a boy, did you save the birds with the broken wings?
Ted : - What did you do, tear them off? Vic : - They’ve got everything on stamps these days. Composers, birds, even the Three Stooges. When are they going to have 'Famous Fags'?
Debbie : - You can be on the 69-cent stamp, honey ! Lindsay : - So, you’re 30. [...] It’s the beginning. A whole new way of thinking about yourself, feeling a whole new sense of entitlement, and accomplishment.
Brian : - That’s from the “La Jeunesse” anti-aging commercial. Il wrote that fucking copy!
Lindsay : - Well, I guess I only quote from the masters. Lindsay : - I want wrinkles, I want to have grey hair, I want Gus to make me a grandmother. I want to grow old with Melanie.
Brian : - Do you want me to puke right here ? Ted : I thought you might like to listen to that.
Blake : La Traviata.
Ted : - Your favorite opera.
Blake : - Yeah, it’s the only opera that I know. Except you said at the end they get back together and sing many glorious duets...
Ted : - Guess that’s the sequel, Traviata 2!
Episode 121Justin : - I love him, Michael.
Michael : - I know. All the more reason why you have to let him go.
Episode 122Michael : You will always be young and you will always be beautiful. You're Brian Kinney for fuck's sake! Brian : You know, that's just what I need... to be at a dance with a bunch of fucking 18 years olds! Justin : I thought you liked fucking 18 years olds!
Episode 202Brian : You walked down with me, back to the Jeep, and we were goofing, we were dancing. I kissed you, said 'later'. And then you turned around and smiled. Then I knew why Debbie calls you Sunshine.
Episode 204Emmett : - Careful, Pride is a sin !
Justin : - So, I’m going to hell.
Episode 205Justin : - I promise I’ll let you blow me tomorrow night.
Brian : - Yeah, well, who says I’ll be in the mood?
Justin : - You’re always in the mood., which is kind of amazing when you think of it. I mean, at your age. Brian : Dreaming’s for people who like to sleep. I’d rather be awake and fucking.
Episode 206Brian : So if I'm out late, just assume I'm doing exactly what I wanna be doing, I'm fucking. And when I come home, I'll also be doing exactly what I wanna do : coming home to you.
Episode 207Leda : Hi, I'm Leda! Brian : Melanie's evil ex... Leda : and you must be the AnteChrist... Big fan!
Michael : - Emmett’s a star, now.
Brian : - His dick's a star… He’s just the life-support system. Lindsay : - I was hoping you were the harp !
Brian : - I’m into fucking, not plucking. Brian : - Anything else ?
Lindsay : - Shave !
Brian : - My balls are as clean as a whistle ! Melanie : - We’re trying to make Lindsay’s parents feel at home.
Brian : - Well, you should have rented caskets.
Episode 209Brian : Like I give a shit what God thinks about me. He’d better be worried what I think about him. In all this cold, dead universe, we’re the only ones that know he exists. Without us, he's nothing. Emmett : Well, I’ve done cop, cowboy, Indian chief. After this, I guess I’ve done the Village People. Brian : Jesus, I told him to lay off the Slimfast ! Joan : - Whenever I come here [at church] I feel a sense of calm, of inner peace. Knowing that I’m watched over. Protected. Safe.
Brian : - Yeah, well, a good security system would do the same job, and in the long run be a lot cheaper than all those deposits you’ve dropped in the offering plate over the years.
Episode 211Brian : As usual, objectivity falls to me... Think : you don't really want me there for you, do you? I have to be chemically dependent just to show up. I'll be drunk, I'll be bored, not to mention better looking than the brides. I'll offend all the dykes. I'll heckle the ceremony. Table dance at the reception, and inevitably fuck every good looking guy - gay, straight or undecided - in the place. Finally, I'll pass out naked, bitching about the cheap booze. You'll loose your dignity, you friends and your shirts paying for the damages. Hell! I'm doing you a favor getting out of the town. Brian : Dykes don’t have everything, that’s why they’re so miserable. Brian : I’m reminded of a scene from “Alien“, one of the great AIDS metaphor flicks of all time. Our intrepid intergalactic garbage collectors led by uber-bitch dyke Ripley, after who you’ve obviously modeled yourself, snuggled safely in their sleep pods for the long ride home when suddenly, the monster appears. Brian : So, you’re standing me up to see two dykes tie the knot? [...] I think you’re a selfish, heartless asshole... Keep up the good work.
Episode 213Ted : - What kind of homosexual are you ?
Brian : - The kind that fucks men. Lindsay : - Don’t be nervous.
Brian : - If my heart rate was any lower, I’d be dead. Ted : - Your performance tonight was sparkling.
Emmett : - Bubbling !
Ted : Effervescent !
Divina Devore : - Stop, you’ll make me burp ! Michael : - Come on, we have the same eyes, the same nose, the same mouth! Tell me that’s not my chin!
Debbie : - Not even close. And trust me, I know chins. I have several of them.
Episode 214Brian : You know, it must be true what they said about deafening music damaging your eardrums. I could swear I heard you say “If you were me ? Brian : - The reason you don’t have a boyfriend is because you don’t want one. If you had one, it would challenge the well-established opinion you have on yourself as a worthless sack of shit that nobody wants. Therefore, you go after guys you know will reject you. Then, you stand around here and bitch like a high
school girl when, in fact, you’ve gotten exactly what you want, mainly... nothing.
Ted : - Thanks, Dr Kinney, you’ve saved me years of therapy, not to mention several thousand dollars.
Episode 215Brian : - What I did was immature, childish, vindictive. It was an act of cruelty based on irrational fears and unfounded jealousy. If I were the two of you, I’d never speak to me again.
Michael : - That’s really good. So why is it that I prefer when you’re shameless and unapologetic ? Brian : Finally you two boys will have something in common besides me. And what a relief
not to be the center of everyone’s universe! Justin : - It could be how Rage meets the love of his life.
Michael : - I thought Rage didn’t believe in love.
Justin : - Huh! We’ll let him think that. Michael : - Creativity doesn’t punch a time-clock.
Brian : - Oh my god that is so profound. Can you hold on a minute while I write it down ? Brian : I’m not an asshole, I’m just drawn that way. Brian : - I don’t do jealous. Jealous is for lesbians.
Debbie : - Well, then, you’d better start liking pussy, ‘cause you got a little green-eyed monster inside you that is eating your gut. Michael : Well, at least we know what Rage’s fatal weakness is, and it isn’t Kryptonite.
Episode 216Brian : - You want too much. You expect too much. And then, when your hero disappoints you, your poor little heart get crushed.
Michael : - So, what’s the alternative? To expect nothing? To want nothing? Like you?
Episode 217Gardner : Rumor has it that you're gay? Brian : The rumor's right. But unless I'm fucking you, it's none of your business. Justin : - I want a boyfriend who only wants to be with me, who wants to stay home, every once in a while, who at least gets jealous when some other guy’s sucking my dick right in front of him.
Michael : - That’s not Brian. It never will be. Emmett : Its much better to give than to receive... except in bed.
Episode 219Justin : You scared me! Brian : Relax, it's not that kind of a shower scene!
Episode 220Brian : - So, how big’s his dick?
Justin : - That has nothing to do with it.
Brian : - You love cock. You love it down your throat, you love it up your ass, you love riding it, and after you come, you love to fall asleep with it still inside you. Ethan : - At least, now I know why you’re with him. God, he’s beautiful. He must be great in bed.
Justin : - Yeah he is. It’s when we’re not in bed, that’s the problem. Debbie : - How come I’m not in here [Rage Comic book]? What, superheros don’t have mothers?
Vic : - Who washes their tights? Who irons their capes? Ted : - Em, you’ve really gotten yourself into great shape. Your back is as broad as Texas, your stomach as flat as Kansas, and Florida’s lovely this time of year.
Emmett : - Well, let’s just stop before we get to the Grand Canyon. Justin : - He [Ethan] told me that I’m all he wants.
Brian : - They’re still using that one?
Episode 301Brian : - I never loved him. And even if I did, I’d never ask him to put my needs above his, or be something he’s not to make me happy. I’d tell him if he’s not getting what he wants, then go find it someplace else.
Lindsay : - Well, he certainly learned his lesson.
Episode 303Ethan : - Hey, Jus, my friend Collier wants to know if my imaginary lover will be accompanying me to his soiree...
Justin : - Tell him I would sooner eat shit and die.
Ethan : - He says he can’t wait to meet you.
Ethan : - Now, why do you have to be so anti-social ?
Justin : - I’m not anti-social, I just can’t stand people. Michael : - Well, that’s a sizable chunk of change for boyfriend replacement therapy.
Brian : - I don’t have a boyfriend. I’ve never had a boyfriend.
Michael : - Right. Then it must be a mid-life crisis.
Brian : - I’m only 30.
Michael : - One. Ethan : - An artist always does his best work when he has someone he loves to inspire him.
Brian : - Huh. Yeah, so I’ve been told. Justin : - So, it’s all about sex
Brian : - Unless it’s about death, but death doesn’t sell tickets.
Episode 304Michael : Where’d you find the hunky moving men?
Ted : - Under “Hunky Moving Men” in the Gay Yellow Pages.
Emmett : - Actually, they’re pink.
Episode 305Brian : There’s nothing noble about being poor. Ethan : - You probably woulda played for the Nazis too.
Brian : - If it had kept me alive for one more day, you’re goddam fucking right, I would. Brian : You expect him to sacrifice his career for a piece of blond boy ass ? Is that your idea of true love, Sunshine ? Debbie : - When was the last time you voted ?
Brian : - Let’s see... That would have to be the big basket contest at Woody’s. Debbie : - A lot of people freeze up under pressure. You know, it’s called performance anxiety. Right, Brian ?
Brian : - Never heard of it.
Episode 306Brian : - Where’d you get the ring ?
Justin : - Ethan
Brian : - How romantic !
Justin : - Fuck all you’d know about romance.
Brian : - Keep it.
Justin : - That’s a big tip.
Brian : - Maybe you could buy him some flowers. I’m sure he’d like that.
Episode 307Brian : Do I detect a discordant note in love’s tender refrain ?
Episode 308Brian : - You also understand that you’ll be required to work long, hard hours, sometimes deep into the night.
Justin : - It’ll be a pleasure to work under you, sir.
Brian : - And you’re never to play violin music in my presence again.
Justin : - I promise.
Brian : - Good, well, then... You can start... immediately.
Episode 309Brian's 11 O'clock : Who's he? Brian : That's a difficult question to answer given the limitations of the language, and the conventionality of most people's thinking... Let's just say he's the guy fucked more than once... Justin : Unlike you !
Ben : Yes, you're seeing it. The most historic reunification since Germany. Emmett : What happened to the fiddler? Michael : He fell off the roof.
Debbie : Well, if it isn't the man behind the asshole... Michael : Brian's always behind the asshole!
Episode 311Justin : This sucks! Brian : And not in a positive, life-affirming way!
Brian : - Since it’s the last spot before the election, I want something broad-sweeping, an epic.
Dominic (Stockwell‘s assistant) : - “Lord of the Rings” in 30 seconds ?
Episode 312Michael : - I thought you were looking for a job.
Brian : I am. Blow jobs.
Michael : What‘s the matter ? Justin having dental work ? Hunter : - Wanna fuck ?
Brian : - Nice to meet you too. Hunter : - How about I pay you ?
Brian : - You couldn’t afford me Justin : - So, what exactly do you want me to say to this guy ?
Brian : - Oh, be your natural self. Charm him with your witty repartee. ‘How’d you like to plough my smooth, tight ass?‘... And then, when he’s busy slobbering down your neck, you discretely pocket his cigarette butt.
Justin : - You’re going to owe me, like, 100 blowjobs for this.
Episode 313Michael : He already has a boyfriend! Hunter : You do? Brian : In a non-defined, non conventionnal way, yeah!
Horvath : You were right. Brian : My three favorite words after 'nine inches cut'!
Hunter : - Holy shit, it’s like the movies!
Brian : - I don’t recall a scene like this in any film nominated for best picture. Michael : - You fucked the murderer ?
Hunter : - What’s the big deal ? I used a condom.
Brian : - Well, your safe-sex lectures paid off. Hunter : - I was trying to help.
Michael : - You were trying to impress Brian !
Brian : - Yeah, well, he wouldn’t be the first one ! Brian : If someone had told me what you were up to, I would have fired your ass... If I didn’t have my dick inside it.
Episode 314Brian : You know, Stockwell may be a dick, but at least he's not a pussy! Brian : I think I'm experiencing possession withdrawal. I need to lie down. Justin : Good thing you didn't sell your bed! Brian : I'd rather sell a kidney.
Justin : - Jesus Christ, Brian, now you don’t even have a car.
Brian : - Oh, now, I guess I’ve lost everything.
Justin : - Not everything. Debbie : - What are you two doing ?
Brian : - What does it look like we’re doing ? We cop-ulating ! Brian : - It used to be such a magical kingdom full of sprites and fairies.
Justin : - Now, it’s like watching The Wizard of Oz in reverse.
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